Monday, May 21, 2012

No way, can I be what I'm not!

Here's a fun fact: I absolutely love musicals. I think it comes from loving The Lion King (yes, it's a musical.). But, second to that, I'd have to say that RENT is my favorite.

With that, I'm listening to Take Me or Leave Me, which got me thinking about how I am and kind of a renewed confidence that being outspoken and "demanding" independence is okay. Demanding sounds really bad.....I guess a better way of saying it would be to say proclaiming independence. Now, I've never been like Maureen where I've had both sexes calling for my attention but I do have a lot of experience in people wanting to accept small parts of me but not the whole package. 

Ever since I was young, I've known I was the black sheep in my family. I just did things differently. I was a tom boy, had darker hair than my cousins, I had a 'boy-ish" figure, was more outspoken, and just a lot of stuff. For the longest, I would force myself to be "normal" around my family and then feel really uncomfortable. Overall, it was something I put myself through to fit in and to make my family of all people love me for someone I wasn't. 

Now, I am being myself around my family but in a comfortable controlled way and it feels great. I'm learning that just because I am not like my cousins, I am still loved and accepted. I'm also learning that everyone, family or not, have their nitches. Mine is Jesus, as it relates to my family. I'm the "religious" one, which is scary but I have trust in God to help me with that. 

To tie this with the song, if you want to love me, I demand you take me for all that I am or leave. That sounds really tough but, that's how it is. I don't mean love in a romantic way but in a friend way, a family way, ect. I'm an all or nothing person. I give my all and I don't like rejection. 

I understand that one cannot avoid rejection and that rejection makes a person stronger. I'm living that. I have lived that before. I also understand that not everyone is going to love me but what says I don't have to at least try. You can't be accepted if you never try to be. 

To conclude, I have some wise words for you, the reader: 

1. Never ever let someone hold you back from being yourself, just hold yourself back in the appropriate times. 

2. To the people that are like me in the "Take Me or Leave Me" mentality: Stick with that but don't be afraid to let people in. Trust is huge aspect of this but like I said you can't be accepted if you try to be

With that, I encourage you to watch RENT (It's a fabulous musical). Look at how you are around people in every aspect of your life. And lastly, don't be afraid of who you are because if you give a damn, take me baby or leave me. 

Love Prevails, 

Sunday, May 13, 2012

I am proud to be a Ypsi Kid.

I don't say this enough, but I really have the best friends in the entire world and today I was reminded of it.

About 4 years ago, I met this wonderful group of people that I like to call "Ypsi Kids" and the original four have impacted my life in so many ways, it's almost a miracle that I had forgotten about them and I feel a little bit bad. That's not why I'm writing this blog post, as a way to apologize for forgetting about them, but rather as a reminder to them, from me, as to how much they mean to me.

I met Cahill, Brandon, and Nate through Mission Christ (I talked about my experience with Mission Christ a couple of weeks ago on this blog, so feel free to go check that out). I won't lie, I followed them around for a good amount of time because they were the only people I really knew because of the amount of time we all spent being taken to and from Mission every Friday. I was also the only girl in this group and that made me feel a little funny but for some reason, it just worked out. I guess I should also add that I was dating Brandon at this time but I won't go into that.

I'm not entirely sure when Lydia got thrown into this mix. I know that we all met her at another youth group that we all attested and she was so cute and shy. She and I hit it off really well and the guys seemed to take a liking to her too (no surprise there, though). I also remember being really happy that there was now another girl in this group of guys and Angie.

Through the years, all 5 of us have liked each other, hated each other, learned from each other, taught each other, and have become family and for that, I am so ever grateful. If it wasn't for these people I would have been a different person now. I know I would have been more whiny, less confident, had less experiences, and just plain a boring person. .

I am now going to take the time to say something about all of these wonderful people:

Brandon: Brandon, you dealt with a lot of my crap and that includes even before we were "Ypsi Kids". I have knowingly known you the longest out of all of you. You taught me so much and I don't actually know if you know that. You have evolved from this shy guy who had really strange deep thoughts into a musician that is going to make it big and it's amazing to see that. I am so grateful for the advice you would give me as it pertained to so much in my life; your resounding advice was always the words I wanted because I trusted your judgement. You and I have never really been close since after we dated but, I still care about you as my friend and my brother in Christ. God has done so many wonderful things in your life and I am so excited to see where you will go next.

Cahill: I don't even really know where to start. You and I have experienced a lot and some of our friendship was parallel. I miss going to you with my life problems and getting a big teddy bear like hug when things weren't going great. I miss going to your place and watching movies and sharing the communion 2 liter of diet whatever it is your mom picked up for you. You are so wonderful, even now. I haven't had a sit down and deep talk session with you in quite a while because of some mistakes I made but you are still someone that holds a strong part in my life. I hope someday we can hang out and talk and catch up, because I miss my big brother a lot.

Nate: Nate, you are so....profound. I've known this for maybe 2 or so years now and I am so excited that people at church are beginning to see this. I am also so jealous of how you are able to not be apart of drama and that you are able to recognize it but not take part in it. I will never forget three things that you said to me 1. "You have to date as if you want to marry that person." 2. "I am so glad you are dating Marco, now you can stop liking me" and 3. "STOP WEARING SHORT SHORTS". Thank you for endless advice and just plain dealing with all my crap. You and I have never been close but I do remember that one deep talk we had about things and it was wonderful to be trusted with that. I am excited to see where God leads you with this gift of wisdom you possess and I am excited to see how far you will go with your gift of music. I love you as a brother and I pray we will continue to be friends forever.

Lydia: Thank you for everything. You are such a strong women, it's actually a little scary. I don't think I've ever seen you cry. I am so glad that God put you in the group because of your open heart, your nurturing spirit, and your knowledge. You know me so well and even though it's frustrating, I'm happy that you know me so well. I'm glad to say you were my friend both in school and out of school. I don't know if you agree, but you were my best friend for a while, I don't know if you feel the same but it's true. I still trust you with my life and I still trust your judgement. I love you like a sister.

Someday, I would love to hang out with the Ypsi crowd again but am I sure that will happen? I don't know. After that huge fallout, we all had to take the time to rebuild. We have also added new people because of dating and new friendships and such but I will also be proud to be a "Ypsi Kid".

I love you all so much. You all taught me to grow and be myself. I personally thank you for putting up with everything and teaching me about life. I love you all as my brothers and sister and I hope someday we will be able to hang out and it to be like the old times.

In Jesus' Name,

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Healing others? Check. Healing myself? A work in progress.

I feel kind of bad that I haven't updated since Sunday, mostly because a lot of things have happened since Sunday.

The biggest change is that I have been not talking to Patrick since my breakdown. I didn't tell him for about 3 days that I was ignoring him but, after talking with people, I decided to tell him that I can't bring myself to talk to him because it really isn't something I can handle. He was respectful of that but is a little confused about BYAL and such, and honestly, that is the least of my worries for right now. BYAL has been at a standstill since before we broke up, so this not talking thing won't really make anything better or worse. He also doesn't understand how it's okay for me to not talk to him but it wasn't okay for him. My response that is that I am not doing extreme measures but right now, this blog post is more about me and less about him.

Thursday and Friday night were really tough. I broke down on Thursday night to a friend because of how intense it was getting for me. Also, this is just very hard for me to handle. Not being able to have an actual conversation for a guy that I trusted for at least two years of my life. And basically, telling myself that I can't talk to him is a rule and I don't like rules and I want to break it but, I understand that I have to do this for me. I have to become an independent person of Patrick. And I want to explain this to him but, again, here I go talking about him.

I will not promise that I won't talk about Patrick is all my blog posts; but I will say that this whole thing is a big part of my life and I wish it wasn't. I want to just shut up about all of this and just move on but everyone keeps saying it's normal to feel like this.

It's really making me a crazy person. Everyday it's up and down. And I know I just have to keep talking about it. And I know I have to stick to my guns if I want to get better and heal.

Something that has been helping me a little bit is this forum on and there is thread that allows people to write to someone they dated or whatever. And it has helped twice. Thanks Oriana for that!

I guess to conclude this, moving on is super hard and I know I'm hard headed (I've known this for years thanks to my friends) but, I have to do something about it. And, with a clear head, I know that I can't give into temptation. And I know that none of this is God's fault. And I know that it isn't mine or Patrick's fault. It's just something that has to be dealt with. And I know that I know I have to do three things:

1. Not talk to Patrick until I am ready. 100% ready. And that may be a while and I have to follow through with this. I can't heal if I keep opening scares.

2. Talk to people. I have a habit of shutting down and I can't do that, I have friends that want to hear me and I have to believe that. And more importantly, I have a God that wants to listen all the time.

3. Do not start another relationship. Dear Lord, don't do it.

Forreal, this time, I leave you with a verse the Lord gave me last night:

1 John 4:6

"We are of God. He who knows God hears us; he who is not of God does not hear us. By this we know the spirit of truth and the spirit of error."

Love Prevails,