I love me some ebony and ivory.

Right now, I'm super bored thus, blogging seems like the next best thing to be doing.

I guess what I can talk about is how musical I'm getting again.

I use to be in band, literally did it for 12 years of my life. I am a percussionist through and through but I dabbled in playing my friends' trumpet, violin, horn, and I think every band instrument. I really miss band. It really made me the person I am today ( I say that about a lot of stuff) but really, it did.

What I use to do is make up random songs on the piano and it was a way for me to release emotions. It was never super great but there was one time I came up with a really good little melody but I have now forgotten it.

So, I kind of just stopped playing piano. College started and I didn't have time. Dating kind of made it hard to do anything, which was my fault not Patrick's. I never really thought about getting involved with playing until maybe a week ago. Patrick being Patrick, knowing me far too well, encouraged me to get a hobby so that I could start doing things for me when we broke up. Not in an asshole way but in a caring way. The whole thing kind of got set out of my mind with trying to focus on moving on, God, and just getting my life back on the correct plate. But, this whole week I was feeling this desire to play the piano and sing.

So, I have been. I've actually been singing more than playing piano but I remembered that I still kind of suck at playing properly. I always play the same dang thing. As for singing, I've become accustomed to taking my dog for a walk, blasting my iPod and screaming lyrics. If you live in my neighborhood, sorry I sing so loud. . . but really, it's been a great way to just sing again.

I think that's it.....I may update later on tonight, depending on what's going on.

-Angie

Healing others? Check. Healing myself? A work in progress.

I feel kind of bad that I haven't updated since Sunday, mostly because a lot of things have happened since Sunday.

The biggest change is that I have been not talking to Patrick since my breakdown. I didn't tell him for about 3 days that I was ignoring him but, after talking with people, I decided to tell him that I can't bring myself to talk to him because it really isn't something I can handle. He was respectful of that but is a little confused about BYAL and such, and honestly, that is the least of my worries for right now. BYAL has been at a standstill since before we broke up, so this not talking thing won't really make anything better or worse. He also doesn't understand how it's okay for me to not talk to him but it wasn't okay for him. My response that is that I am not doing extreme measures but right now, this blog post is more about me and less about him.

Thursday and Friday night were really tough. I broke down on Thursday night to a friend because of how intense it was getting for me. Also, this is just very hard for me to handle. Not being able to have an actual conversation for a guy that I trusted for at least two years of my life. And basically, telling myself that I can't talk to him is a rule and I don't like rules and I want to break it but, I understand that I have to do this for me. I have to become an independent person of Patrick. And I want to explain this to him but, again, here I go talking about him.

I will not promise that I won't talk about Patrick is all my blog posts; but I will say that this whole thing is a big part of my life and I wish it wasn't. I want to just shut up about all of this and just move on but everyone keeps saying it's normal to feel like this.

It's really making me a crazy person. Everyday it's up and down. And I know I just have to keep talking about it. And I know I have to stick to my guns if I want to get better and heal.

Something that has been helping me a little bit is this forum on enotalone.com and there is thread that allows people to write to someone they dated or whatever. And it has helped twice. Thanks Oriana for that!

I guess to conclude this, moving on is super hard and I know I'm hard headed (I've known this for years thanks to my friends) but, I have to do something about it. And, with a clear head, I know that I can't give into temptation. And I know that none of this is God's fault. And I know that it isn't mine or Patrick's fault. It's just something that has to be dealt with. And I know that I know I have to do three things:

1. Not talk to Patrick until I am ready. 100% ready. And that may be a while and I have to follow through with this. I can't heal if I keep opening scares.

2. Talk to people. I have a habit of shutting down and I can't do that, I have friends that want to hear me and I have to believe that. And more importantly, I have a God that wants to listen all the time.

3. Do not start another relationship. Dear Lord, don't do it.

Forreal, this time, I leave you with a verse the Lord gave me last night:

1 John 4:6


"We are of God. He who knows God hears us; he who is not of God does not hear us. By this we know the spirit of truth and the spirit of error."


Love Prevails, 
Angie

Thoughts.

I'm raging right now.

I....I don't know how to say it but I miss the little things with Patrick. He just referred to his now girlfriend as "My Lady".

THAT IS MY NAME.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?

I understand he can do whatever he wants in his relationship but...that shit bugs me. I miss him like crazy. I am suppressing caring about him. He still cares and loves me as a person. Well, I want him to stop that. Just stop that. Stop caring about me. I don't want someone who won't love me to care about me. He knows I have a problem with being cared about.

He. Knows.

I  hate this. I don't want to date him again. But I want to touch him. Is that possible? No. Not while he's dating Alyy. I don't know if it's true, but honestly, this is just a rebound. He wasn't happy with me but he won't learn to live without anyone because he needs to feel secure in that relationship.

At least I'm trying to learn. I want to care without caring. He doesn't understand that. He cares about me because that is what he does. But...I don't want him to care because I am independent and I don't need him to give me his approval.

I just want to scream in his face. But, I can't do that. I already said everything I've wanted to say tonight. We had a long conversation tonight. And it ended with both of not knowing and hating the situation we are in. I have no idea what his thoughts are, but mine are is that I don't want to grieve and that he brings out the grieving in me, I guess.

I think that's it. I feel like I should apologize but imma wait for him to talk to me.

-Angie

This is more a Tumblr update than a blog update......

I really really really really really really really really want to talk to Patrick.

I had to get that out of my system.
(Holy moly)

I don't know if we are still not talking but I do know that the urgency to talk to him is there on my end, I have no idea about him. I keep thinking it's because I'm stressed about exams and he is really the only one I would go to when I was stressed, and so now, I'm just like "I'm super stressed....who cares enough to talk to me about it." BUT I have to pull my pants up and just talk to people. . . and that is what I'm finding hard because of how comfortable I am talking to Patrick about things. And because I feel like I did when Patrick would make me talk to other people about my life: Scared, nervous, afraid, self conscious, and a lot of other stuff. That's one thing I would like prayer for.

For now, I'm going to continue to not talk to him. I've considered talking to him on Sunday if it permits and I've been praying about it too and I've been feeling this sense of peace about that, so hopefully I remember to.

Also, with these thoughts, those stupid desires come back. Another reason to not talk to him .
Oh, and Glee is NOT helping those desires.

That is it,
Angie