"Let me know if I can do anything for you."

For the second time in my life, I have been hit in the face with death but this time, it's a lot different: It's a real person.

My grandfather passed away on Thursday morning / Thursday evening and it really caught everyone off guard. I won't get into the not-so-gory details, but he died peacefully, which is a blessing. in my opinion. I've only cried once but, I am expecting tears at the funeral. Also, I'm talking at the funeral, I am taking my role as  only female granddaughter very seriously and because I think....well, I just need so closure on the whole thing, so why not do it in public.

The one thing I keep getting from people is "Let me know if you need anything" "What can I do for you" ect. And I really do not understand this question: I don't need anything and what can you give me anyway? I mean, if you want to tell my ex he's being a buttface, that'd help me out...sorry, I'm really good at comic relief.

But seriously, I don't know what this question means. I know people are saying it be polite and I know I've said it to people who have lost a loved one but, I beg, what does this mean? All I request is prayer for strength and maybe some hugs (no kisses please).

On a lighter one, I'm sorry I haven't updated. I have lots to update on but for right now, I want to let all of you know that I know my worth is in God and that because of a lot of personal things, I put my worth in people that will let me down. Thanks to a lot of terrible sucky things recently along with amazing friends and Jesus, I know that I am loved and that I deserve a lot better than someone who sees me as a pawn in their game.

That it for now.

Love Prevails,
Angie

Rejection is the easiest way to humble a person.

So, you know that moment you should have listened to God but instead you don't and everything goes to the shits? Mhm, that happened this weekend.

I am not going to get tell my entire store here but I will say that I learned a whole lot and I learned that this whole detox thing is going to start all over again. It's kind of of like when you quit smoking, at least for me: You stop and you feel really great after feeling like crap for a long time and then temptation comes and you say "I'll only do it once, I'll be fine." and then you smoke all weekend and you feel like crap afterwards. Yea, that's basically how I feel.

I learned that I am still not ready for a relationship and that my natural "sex drive" is still ever so present. I use it for bad reasons this weekend to get what I wanted and that's what I'm really kicking myself for now. I ended up hurting myself a whole lot and I hurt the guy because his feelings are confusing towards me which I don't even understand, I'm not convinced he even understands. I also can't date because I like the freedom I have and I like the independence I have with a lot of stuff. I'm not in a position to be give my heart up and I really don't think it's a good idea.

I learned that my heart is bigger than my head. I care about this guy a whole lot and for some reason I only learned this AFTER messing everything up. I don't care about him enough to put effort into being a girlfriend (even though we've both clearly stated we don't want that) but I want this friendship. I showed in it in a dumb way and my mind was focused on one thing. The guy cares for me too, that changed really quickly this weekend and that confuses me even more and kind of says something about me: If I'm not getting what I want, I'm not happy even if the thing I don't want is the better decision AND I know that.

I learned that I can do better and be better. Why did it take me until yesterday to realize that EVERY TIME  I am alone with this guy, I end up crying? I realized it on Friday but....it's confusing and I think I will talk about that in another post. I told the guy that he can do better than me and I think he understands, I don't know. I think I've learned that trusting this guy is either gonna be hard or not going to happen.

If you know who I am talking about, good for you. I'm sure if you are reading this and you tell the guy what I said, I honestly don't care. Everything I just wrote, he already knows and has been expressed.

That's about it.
-Angie

When God says something 3 times, it's time to listen up.

So, I've kind of been wanting to be apart of Silver Ring Thing on and off for about a year. They rejected me last year which is fine, they had enough girls. And I kind of ignored it until maybe 3 months ago when I emailed someone asking about my application; I didn't get any sort of response.

Today, I decided to call and ask again about my application. I talked to someone, Missy, and she said she would look at my application again and give me a call back.

After waiting 20 mins, I didn't get a call back but instead an email saying that I don't have enough experience in speaking, acting, multi-media, and organizational skills.

I do not understand how they know about my organizational skills. 


Basically, I'm a little upset that she couldn't call me back and that we couldn't talk. That's just something that really irritates me: Being told someone will call but doesn't. Like, I don't know, the best analogy I can think of is being told by a boyfriend they are going to call you but then they break up with you over email. That's kind of feel just with a lot more disrespect. If you're going to reject me, let's at least talk about it. I think that's just how I am. I don't like rejection, it's a big thing in my life because of a lot of things and I think it has to do with me not thinking it's actually happening, if that makes any sense.

On the other hand, God has now said 3 times He doesn't feel me doing SRT is in the works for me. And we all know that when God says something three times, He really means it. Part of me thinks that it may be because I know I wouldn't be the best person for other teens to look up to and I don't really have a "success" story anymore; I did, but I'm in the middle of a success story.

God has a plan for me. I just know it. I'm so confident in that. And you know, if that is what gets me through this summer, then that's going to be awesome.

^Not sure why I wrote that, but I did.

Love will always prevail,
Angie