I wonder how many times I'll hear "I told you so"

I'm pretty much preparing to hear "I told you would enjoy yourself, Angie!". Well screw you too ;)

I'm talking about how everyone knew that I would actually really enjoy myself at the Joni and Friends Family Retreat but I think I enjoyed myself for a lot of other reasons outside of serving people and that's what I would like to talk about in this blog post.

My experience with JAF was unique. I mean, duh, everyone went for unique reasons and things that happened to everyone person was unique but, I must say, my experience was very Angie-like if that makes any sense.

I can't really get into much detail about the beginning of the week because of the legality of things but basically, God had a plan for me to get hurt and get some battle bruises which, to me, kind of proved that I am fighter and that I would much rather get some bruises than someone get seriously injured. I really think that surprised everyone, like, I was upset that I was hurt but I wanted to go back into the war zone if I had some control over the situation. Honestly, just so everyone is on the same page, I am not upset that I got hurt and I am not upset at the person that hurt me, I was upset that I didn't know more going into the situation. I'm also upset at the lack of communication but, that's whatever, it's over now.

^And that was Wednesday.

Thursday comes about and damage control needed to happen and again God worked in all the leaders and I was assigned to work with Deb, a older woman who was the assistant craft leader who has a disease that has made her retina weaker (something about degenerating). My job for the week was to assist Deb aka Minion (I was dubbed Mintoo) in little kid crafts and in telling her what was on the food line because she is not able to see the different types of food but knows what she likes. Working with Deb was better than I could have imagined. We're both fiesty, sassy, but we also have our sensitive sides. A lot of people asked if we were related but I promise, we are not related :)

Not being an STM to an actual camper was actually super neat because I got more freedom in a way and I got to get to know a lot more of the campers. Then again, I don't have any "close" relationship with any of the campers but I did get really close with three STM's that were all sisters.

Moving away from what things were happening on the outside, lots of stuff were going on inside of me and that's the most important thing I can stress: I went there one person and I came back another person.

For the first couple days I feel this detached feeling and it was actually really irritating but I covered it up with being aggressive and pretty rude to people. I can't exactly put my finger on it but a lot of it was fear and not wanting to change how I did things and I didn't want to just focus on the happy aspect (I still don't). I understand that it's a place meant to be happy but that doesn't mean that the negative things shouldn't be addressed also like with other STM's (which I will admit happened. But not against anyone in particular, just needing to talk).

So, on Thursday morning during butt-o-clock devotion, I admitted to my group that I've been feeling this hardness in my heart and that I would really like some prayer. I also vowed to myself that that day I wasn't going to complain about anything and just enjoy it (you'll be happy to hear that I only complained once that day) and God did SO MUCH to me in that day. Like, it was freaking amazing. I let myself feel and experience. I interacted with more people and I am so thankful I did.

To conclude, I haven't completely conquered my fear of disabled people but JAF really put it in perspective. I would like to personally thank everyone that donated money to me: Momma Stauffer, my dad, Tori Banks, Lauren Rumford, Wendi Voorheis, Chris Klimola, Darcy Pugsely Gene and Myra Dennis, Random guy at B-24's and most importantly Cross and Resurrection  Lutheran Church for matching my funds.

And I would also like to thank everyone that I met at the family retreat. All of you helped me so much last week and I enjoyed getting to know you. I will always remember all of you and I am excited to stay in contact with you all :)

Love Prevails,
Angie

On Being Single: A Brief

Whenever I am in a relationship, I always think about how being single must suck; you don't have anyone to be physical with, you have to go out of your way to find that special someone, and you really aren't able to be complete.

All of those, I have learned, are so very much false. 

What I am learning about being single is that I have a lot that I have to work on and I'm not only talking about my dark side related things, I mean focusing on my career, furthing God's kingdom, and finding my nitch in the world. I understand all of that can be done in a relationship, but honestly, it's a terrible thing to bring to a relationship. 

I am not saying that when two people are dating, they have their entire lives figured out and nothing goes wrong, because they is incorrect: When two people are together and are hoping God wants them to get married, they understand that they will have to sacrifice because of love and that the couple will grow. But, both people separate of each other, if the relationship is healthy, have a life outside of each other; that is something that I am working on. 

There are normal things that I miss about being with someone: I really like being someones girlfriend. It's a huge confidence booster for me, so of course, when I lose that confidence that I depended on for so long, it really throws me for a loop. But wanna know what I'm learning? I have to be dependent on God and do things that give me confidence. It was hard right after the break up and it's still a bit tough to talk about what I like to do, but I'm working on it. I am thinking of things I can do to further my relationship with Jesus and wanting to do more within my church. I am doing all of these things for me. I am also learning that I really am pretty cute, not in a "normal" way but in an Angie way. My smile is really pretty, my eyes change colors sometimes, and my hair is a pretty nice color. As for my body, I'm learning. It's a slow process but I am learning to love myself. 

Another huge thing is the physical. I am a very physically aware person and I love holding hands, hugging, kissing, the whole shot. Not having that right there anytime I want is hard, yes. I will admit that. But, it's teaching me a lot about relationships: Do I want to make this relationship based on the fact that I haven't kissed in a month or on a friendship. I've never had that before: I've never had a super great friendship before dating a guy. And that is a goal that I have for myself but not to become super obsessed with it. I think I should also point out that I haven't gone "cold turkey" per-say: I have great friends that love giving and receiving hugs and hugs are super great. 

Lastly, I am complete is Jesus. I don't want to find self worth in a guy and I shouldn't have to. Another goal I have is to not be ashamed of myself. I know that things I've done and I know the things I do and if a guy who desires to be with me can't see past my faults, I'm not going to waste my time. 

See, that was relatively brief right :)

Thanks for reading and remember: Love Prevails.

-Angie