I just signed up to volunteer at a Family Retreat for a group called Joni and Friends. I was approached about it about two weeks ago but did not really do anything about it. I was nervous to ask my dad about it because a) I don't like approaching my dad about things that I want to do and b) His birthday is the day before I am heading out to do this. I have never missed my dad's birthday and honestly, I feel a little bad that I won't be there. I brought it up and we talked about it and he gave me the go ahead.
I am finally getting the vacation that I've been craving.
A little background to Joni is Friends is that it's a retreat for kids and their families to come and interact with other kids and families with disabilities. The one I am volunteering at is July 4th - July 8th in Tustin, MI. I don't exactly know what I will be doing but I said that I have experiences in music, drama, and something else but I have now forgotten. According to the woman that I going with, I will also be assigned a family. I'm really looking forward to that part of it because with me being interested in being a family therapist.
The thing I am most worried about is that this family retreat cost around $400 to do and I cannot afford it. I am going to talk to my pastor about maybe getting the church to sponsor me since it's a short-term ministry.
With this, I am also going to be a coach for Upward Basketball for the 3rd year now. I really love doing Upward. It's always super stressful for me because of waking up, working on the lesson, and then of course seeming like I understand basketball. But, it's a wonderful week of Jesus and kids.
So, ya, that's what my summer will be looking like. Oh, and working both jobs and making enough money for books and maybe a moped (?). My dad and I talked about it a little bit last night and I really like the idea. I just have to figure out what is more important: books or moped. That's something to be praying about.
Well , I am in still in my pjs and I should get dressed. Y'all stay great and I will be sure to keep updating :)
Also, can I get a hoorah about this NOT involving boys!? THANK YOU.
Love Prevails,
Angie
Friday, June 22, 2012
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
I've come so far but I've got so far to go.
I haven't updated in a while and I'm sorry about that. I was trying to write a blog post a couple of days ago but it really did not come out right.
I've been pretty alright. This will be my first week officially away from therapy. I should prolly call them and say I won't be coming back for the summer. It's not that I don't like therapy, now it just feels like a chore and I really think I'm "okay". I started going because of the break up but now....I dunno, more things are filling that hole now, which is good but is also very stressful.
I've decided that I know I'm back to my old self for two reasons:
1. I'm being really awkward and funny again. Not to say I wasn't with Patrick, but it just feels better.
2. Holy moly am I obsessed with the male parts of the world.
I want to get into the second one a little bit. I know in my previous post I talked about how being single is great and you learn about yourself, well, I still stand by that 100%. Being single is nice because I am developing myself and doing things for me. But, this doesn't make the desire to be a girlfriend go away. Or just the desire to be liked. I love that feeling.
What I don't like is the pre-dating feelings: it's just so......irritating. I don't want to work for it, I just want it to happen. Sadly, it doesn't work like that, I have to work at it a little bit. But, how much is too much? Oh balance, you and I are going to learn to be best friends.
I've played with the idea of just doing some emotion less stuff but I've tried that, it didn't work. I've tried flirting with not attractive guys but they just friend zone me pretty quick. My mind is just in ultra flirty, I need the sanctification of a guy mode. Which isn't true....I know this. Co dependence has done terrible things to me.
And it's not all the physical either: Yesterday I had a break down because of stressful working things and I for a moment had no idea who I should call (this would be my first non-Patrick break down I have had). But, I took it upon myself to call some lady friends of mine which was helpful. So, I'm learning to depend on my lady friends. But, I just want to open up to someone who doesn't know me. And just unload everything. I know I can't do that, that'd just be....holy moly.
If you're wondering, I'm crushing but it's confusing. I won't get into it but just know...I could use some prayer for that.
Outside of the boy stuff, things are looking up in terms of employment. My primary job is opening up a new place which means more hours but is a little stressful with school and my other job. My other job wasn't giving me correct hours and that was irritating but I think we worked everything out. And lastly, I thought I had a position all lined up for the fall at EMU but it turns out, the woman was a bitch and didn't want to hire me. That's what my break down was about yesterday.
So, we have now learned that Angie pre-Patrick is coming back: obsessed with boys, stressed, but is still able to be funny. Kind of fits me right? But, with that, I'm learning new ways to deal with all of it by having wonderful friends and a grace giving God.
Thank you to all that ready (even those to don't want to admit it). You are great people.
Love Prevails,
Angie
I've been pretty alright. This will be my first week officially away from therapy. I should prolly call them and say I won't be coming back for the summer. It's not that I don't like therapy, now it just feels like a chore and I really think I'm "okay". I started going because of the break up but now....I dunno, more things are filling that hole now, which is good but is also very stressful.
I've decided that I know I'm back to my old self for two reasons:
1. I'm being really awkward and funny again. Not to say I wasn't with Patrick, but it just feels better.
2. Holy moly am I obsessed with the male parts of the world.
I want to get into the second one a little bit. I know in my previous post I talked about how being single is great and you learn about yourself, well, I still stand by that 100%. Being single is nice because I am developing myself and doing things for me. But, this doesn't make the desire to be a girlfriend go away. Or just the desire to be liked. I love that feeling.
What I don't like is the pre-dating feelings: it's just so......irritating. I don't want to work for it, I just want it to happen. Sadly, it doesn't work like that, I have to work at it a little bit. But, how much is too much? Oh balance, you and I are going to learn to be best friends.
I've played with the idea of just doing some emotion less stuff but I've tried that, it didn't work. I've tried flirting with not attractive guys but they just friend zone me pretty quick. My mind is just in ultra flirty, I need the sanctification of a guy mode. Which isn't true....I know this. Co dependence has done terrible things to me.
And it's not all the physical either: Yesterday I had a break down because of stressful working things and I for a moment had no idea who I should call (this would be my first non-Patrick break down I have had). But, I took it upon myself to call some lady friends of mine which was helpful. So, I'm learning to depend on my lady friends. But, I just want to open up to someone who doesn't know me. And just unload everything. I know I can't do that, that'd just be....holy moly.
If you're wondering, I'm crushing but it's confusing. I won't get into it but just know...I could use some prayer for that.
Outside of the boy stuff, things are looking up in terms of employment. My primary job is opening up a new place which means more hours but is a little stressful with school and my other job. My other job wasn't giving me correct hours and that was irritating but I think we worked everything out. And lastly, I thought I had a position all lined up for the fall at EMU but it turns out, the woman was a bitch and didn't want to hire me. That's what my break down was about yesterday.
So, we have now learned that Angie pre-Patrick is coming back: obsessed with boys, stressed, but is still able to be funny. Kind of fits me right? But, with that, I'm learning new ways to deal with all of it by having wonderful friends and a grace giving God.
Thank you to all that ready (even those to don't want to admit it). You are great people.
Love Prevails,
Angie
Friday, June 1, 2012
On Being Single: A Brief
Whenever I am in a relationship, I always think about how being single must suck; you don't have anyone to be physical with, you have to go out of your way to find that special someone, and you really aren't able to be complete.
All of those, I have learned, are so very much false.
What I am learning about being single is that I have a lot that I have to work on and I'm not only talking about my dark side related things, I mean focusing on my career, furthing God's kingdom, and finding my nitch in the world. I understand all of that can be done in a relationship, but honestly, it's a terrible thing to bring to a relationship.
I am not saying that when two people are dating, they have their entire lives figured out and nothing goes wrong, because they is incorrect: When two people are together and are hoping God wants them to get married, they understand that they will have to sacrifice because of love and that the couple will grow. But, both people separate of each other, if the relationship is healthy, have a life outside of each other; that is something that I am working on.
There are normal things that I miss about being with someone: I really like being someones girlfriend. It's a huge confidence booster for me, so of course, when I lose that confidence that I depended on for so long, it really throws me for a loop. But wanna know what I'm learning? I have to be dependent on God and do things that give me confidence. It was hard right after the break up and it's still a bit tough to talk about what I like to do, but I'm working on it. I am thinking of things I can do to further my relationship with Jesus and wanting to do more within my church. I am doing all of these things for me. I am also learning that I really am pretty cute, not in a "normal" way but in an Angie way. My smile is really pretty, my eyes change colors sometimes, and my hair is a pretty nice color. As for my body, I'm learning. It's a slow process but I am learning to love myself.
Another huge thing is the physical. I am a very physically aware person and I love holding hands, hugging, kissing, the whole shot. Not having that right there anytime I want is hard, yes. I will admit that. But, it's teaching me a lot about relationships: Do I want to make this relationship based on the fact that I haven't kissed in a month or on a friendship. I've never had that before: I've never had a super great friendship before dating a guy. And that is a goal that I have for myself but not to become super obsessed with it. I think I should also point out that I haven't gone "cold turkey" per-say: I have great friends that love giving and receiving hugs and hugs are super great.
Lastly, I am complete is Jesus. I don't want to find self worth in a guy and I shouldn't have to. Another goal I have is to not be ashamed of myself. I know that things I've done and I know the things I do and if a guy who desires to be with me can't see past my faults, I'm not going to waste my time.
See, that was relatively brief right :)
Thanks for reading and remember: Love Prevails.
-Angie
Monday, May 21, 2012
No way, can I be what I'm not!
Here's a fun fact: I absolutely love musicals. I think it comes from loving The Lion King (yes, it's a musical.). But, second to that, I'd have to say that RENT is my favorite.
With that, I'm listening to Take Me or Leave Me, which got me thinking about how I am and kind of a renewed confidence that being outspoken and "demanding" independence is okay. Demanding sounds really bad.....I guess a better way of saying it would be to say proclaiming independence. Now, I've never been like Maureen where I've had both sexes calling for my attention but I do have a lot of experience in people wanting to accept small parts of me but not the whole package.
Ever since I was young, I've known I was the black sheep in my family. I just did things differently. I was a tom boy, had darker hair than my cousins, I had a 'boy-ish" figure, was more outspoken, and just a lot of stuff. For the longest, I would force myself to be "normal" around my family and then feel really uncomfortable. Overall, it was something I put myself through to fit in and to make my family of all people love me for someone I wasn't.
Now, I am being myself around my family but in a comfortable controlled way and it feels great. I'm learning that just because I am not like my cousins, I am still loved and accepted. I'm also learning that everyone, family or not, have their nitches. Mine is Jesus, as it relates to my family. I'm the "religious" one, which is scary but I have trust in God to help me with that.
To tie this with the song, if you want to love me, I demand you take me for all that I am or leave. That sounds really tough but, that's how it is. I don't mean love in a romantic way but in a friend way, a family way, ect. I'm an all or nothing person. I give my all and I don't like rejection.
I understand that one cannot avoid rejection and that rejection makes a person stronger. I'm living that. I have lived that before. I also understand that not everyone is going to love me but what says I don't have to at least try. You can't be accepted if you never try to be.
To conclude, I have some wise words for you, the reader:
1. Never ever let someone hold you back from being yourself, just hold yourself back in the appropriate times.
2. To the people that are like me in the "Take Me or Leave Me" mentality: Stick with that but don't be afraid to let people in. Trust is huge aspect of this but like I said you can't be accepted if you try to be.
With that, I encourage you to watch RENT (It's a fabulous musical). Look at how you are around people in every aspect of your life. And lastly, don't be afraid of who you are because if you give a damn, take me baby or leave me.
Love Prevails,
Angie
Sunday, May 13, 2012
I am proud to be a Ypsi Kid.
I don't say this enough, but I really have the best friends in the entire world and today I was reminded of it.
About 4 years ago, I met this wonderful group of people that I like to call "Ypsi Kids" and the original four have impacted my life in so many ways, it's almost a miracle that I had forgotten about them and I feel a little bit bad. That's not why I'm writing this blog post, as a way to apologize for forgetting about them, but rather as a reminder to them, from me, as to how much they mean to me.
I met Cahill, Brandon, and Nate through Mission Christ (I talked about my experience with Mission Christ a couple of weeks ago on this blog, so feel free to go check that out). I won't lie, I followed them around for a good amount of time because they were the only people I really knew because of the amount of time we all spent being taken to and from Mission every Friday. I was also the only girl in this group and that made me feel a little funny but for some reason, it just worked out. I guess I should also add that I was dating Brandon at this time but I won't go into that.
I'm not entirely sure when Lydia got thrown into this mix. I know that we all met her at another youth group that we all attested and she was so cute and shy. She and I hit it off really well and the guys seemed to take a liking to her too (no surprise there, though). I also remember being really happy that there was now another girl in this group of guys and Angie.
Through the years, all 5 of us have liked each other, hated each other, learned from each other, taught each other, and have become family and for that, I am so ever grateful. If it wasn't for these people I would have been a different person now. I know I would have been more whiny, less confident, had less experiences, and just plain a boring person. .
I am now going to take the time to say something about all of these wonderful people:
Brandon: Brandon, you dealt with a lot of my crap and that includes even before we were "Ypsi Kids". I have knowingly known you the longest out of all of you. You taught me so much and I don't actually know if you know that. You have evolved from this shy guy who had really strange deep thoughts into a musician that is going to make it big and it's amazing to see that. I am so grateful for the advice you would give me as it pertained to so much in my life; your resounding advice was always the words I wanted because I trusted your judgement. You and I have never really been close since after we dated but, I still care about you as my friend and my brother in Christ. God has done so many wonderful things in your life and I am so excited to see where you will go next.
Cahill: I don't even really know where to start. You and I have experienced a lot and some of our friendship was parallel. I miss going to you with my life problems and getting a big teddy bear like hug when things weren't going great. I miss going to your place and watching movies and sharing the communion 2 liter of diet whatever it is your mom picked up for you. You are so wonderful, even now. I haven't had a sit down and deep talk session with you in quite a while because of some mistakes I made but you are still someone that holds a strong part in my life. I hope someday we can hang out and talk and catch up, because I miss my big brother a lot.
Nate: Nate, you are so....profound. I've known this for maybe 2 or so years now and I am so excited that people at church are beginning to see this. I am also so jealous of how you are able to not be apart of drama and that you are able to recognize it but not take part in it. I will never forget three things that you said to me 1. "You have to date as if you want to marry that person." 2. "I am so glad you are dating Marco, now you can stop liking me" and 3. "STOP WEARING SHORT SHORTS". Thank you for endless advice and just plain dealing with all my crap. You and I have never been close but I do remember that one deep talk we had about things and it was wonderful to be trusted with that. I am excited to see where God leads you with this gift of wisdom you possess and I am excited to see how far you will go with your gift of music. I love you as a brother and I pray we will continue to be friends forever.
Lydia: Thank you for everything. You are such a strong women, it's actually a little scary. I don't think I've ever seen you cry. I am so glad that God put you in the group because of your open heart, your nurturing spirit, and your knowledge. You know me so well and even though it's frustrating, I'm happy that you know me so well. I'm glad to say you were my friend both in school and out of school. I don't know if you agree, but you were my best friend for a while, I don't know if you feel the same but it's true. I still trust you with my life and I still trust your judgement. I love you like a sister.
Someday, I would love to hang out with the Ypsi crowd again but am I sure that will happen? I don't know. After that huge fallout, we all had to take the time to rebuild. We have also added new people because of dating and new friendships and such but I will also be proud to be a "Ypsi Kid".
I love you all so much. You all taught me to grow and be myself. I personally thank you for putting up with everything and teaching me about life. I love you all as my brothers and sister and I hope someday we will be able to hang out and it to be like the old times.
In Jesus' Name,
Angie
About 4 years ago, I met this wonderful group of people that I like to call "Ypsi Kids" and the original four have impacted my life in so many ways, it's almost a miracle that I had forgotten about them and I feel a little bit bad. That's not why I'm writing this blog post, as a way to apologize for forgetting about them, but rather as a reminder to them, from me, as to how much they mean to me.
I met Cahill, Brandon, and Nate through Mission Christ (I talked about my experience with Mission Christ a couple of weeks ago on this blog, so feel free to go check that out). I won't lie, I followed them around for a good amount of time because they were the only people I really knew because of the amount of time we all spent being taken to and from Mission every Friday. I was also the only girl in this group and that made me feel a little funny but for some reason, it just worked out. I guess I should also add that I was dating Brandon at this time but I won't go into that.
I'm not entirely sure when Lydia got thrown into this mix. I know that we all met her at another youth group that we all attested and she was so cute and shy. She and I hit it off really well and the guys seemed to take a liking to her too (no surprise there, though). I also remember being really happy that there was now another girl in this group of guys and Angie.
Through the years, all 5 of us have liked each other, hated each other, learned from each other, taught each other, and have become family and for that, I am so ever grateful. If it wasn't for these people I would have been a different person now. I know I would have been more whiny, less confident, had less experiences, and just plain a boring person. .
I am now going to take the time to say something about all of these wonderful people:
Brandon: Brandon, you dealt with a lot of my crap and that includes even before we were "Ypsi Kids". I have knowingly known you the longest out of all of you. You taught me so much and I don't actually know if you know that. You have evolved from this shy guy who had really strange deep thoughts into a musician that is going to make it big and it's amazing to see that. I am so grateful for the advice you would give me as it pertained to so much in my life; your resounding advice was always the words I wanted because I trusted your judgement. You and I have never really been close since after we dated but, I still care about you as my friend and my brother in Christ. God has done so many wonderful things in your life and I am so excited to see where you will go next.
Cahill: I don't even really know where to start. You and I have experienced a lot and some of our friendship was parallel. I miss going to you with my life problems and getting a big teddy bear like hug when things weren't going great. I miss going to your place and watching movies and sharing the communion 2 liter of diet whatever it is your mom picked up for you. You are so wonderful, even now. I haven't had a sit down and deep talk session with you in quite a while because of some mistakes I made but you are still someone that holds a strong part in my life. I hope someday we can hang out and talk and catch up, because I miss my big brother a lot.
Nate: Nate, you are so....profound. I've known this for maybe 2 or so years now and I am so excited that people at church are beginning to see this. I am also so jealous of how you are able to not be apart of drama and that you are able to recognize it but not take part in it. I will never forget three things that you said to me 1. "You have to date as if you want to marry that person." 2. "I am so glad you are dating Marco, now you can stop liking me" and 3. "STOP WEARING SHORT SHORTS". Thank you for endless advice and just plain dealing with all my crap. You and I have never been close but I do remember that one deep talk we had about things and it was wonderful to be trusted with that. I am excited to see where God leads you with this gift of wisdom you possess and I am excited to see how far you will go with your gift of music. I love you as a brother and I pray we will continue to be friends forever.
Lydia: Thank you for everything. You are such a strong women, it's actually a little scary. I don't think I've ever seen you cry. I am so glad that God put you in the group because of your open heart, your nurturing spirit, and your knowledge. You know me so well and even though it's frustrating, I'm happy that you know me so well. I'm glad to say you were my friend both in school and out of school. I don't know if you agree, but you were my best friend for a while, I don't know if you feel the same but it's true. I still trust you with my life and I still trust your judgement. I love you like a sister.
Someday, I would love to hang out with the Ypsi crowd again but am I sure that will happen? I don't know. After that huge fallout, we all had to take the time to rebuild. We have also added new people because of dating and new friendships and such but I will also be proud to be a "Ypsi Kid".
I love you all so much. You all taught me to grow and be myself. I personally thank you for putting up with everything and teaching me about life. I love you all as my brothers and sister and I hope someday we will be able to hang out and it to be like the old times.
In Jesus' Name,
Angie
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Healing others? Check. Healing myself? A work in progress.
I feel kind of bad that I haven't updated since Sunday, mostly because a lot of things have happened since Sunday.
The biggest change is that I have been not talking to Patrick since my breakdown. I didn't tell him for about 3 days that I was ignoring him but, after talking with people, I decided to tell him that I can't bring myself to talk to him because it really isn't something I can handle. He was respectful of that but is a little confused about BYAL and such, and honestly, that is the least of my worries for right now. BYAL has been at a standstill since before we broke up, so this not talking thing won't really make anything better or worse. He also doesn't understand how it's okay for me to not talk to him but it wasn't okay for him. My response that is that I am not doing extreme measures but right now, this blog post is more about me and less about him.
Thursday and Friday night were really tough. I broke down on Thursday night to a friend because of how intense it was getting for me. Also, this is just very hard for me to handle. Not being able to have an actual conversation for a guy that I trusted for at least two years of my life. And basically, telling myself that I can't talk to him is a rule and I don't like rules and I want to break it but, I understand that I have to do this for me. I have to become an independent person of Patrick. And I want to explain this to him but, again, here I go talking about him.
I will not promise that I won't talk about Patrick is all my blog posts; but I will say that this whole thing is a big part of my life and I wish it wasn't. I want to just shut up about all of this and just move on but everyone keeps saying it's normal to feel like this.
It's really making me a crazy person. Everyday it's up and down. And I know I just have to keep talking about it. And I know I have to stick to my guns if I want to get better and heal.
Something that has been helping me a little bit is this forum on enotalone.com and there is thread that allows people to write to someone they dated or whatever. And it has helped twice. Thanks Oriana for that!
I guess to conclude this, moving on is super hard and I know I'm hard headed (I've known this for years thanks to my friends) but, I have to do something about it. And, with a clear head, I know that I can't give into temptation. And I know that none of this is God's fault. And I know that it isn't mine or Patrick's fault. It's just something that has to be dealt with. And I know that I know I have to do three things:
1. Not talk to Patrick until I am ready. 100% ready. And that may be a while and I have to follow through with this. I can't heal if I keep opening scares.
2. Talk to people. I have a habit of shutting down and I can't do that, I have friends that want to hear me and I have to believe that. And more importantly, I have a God that wants to listen all the time.
3. Do not start another relationship. Dear Lord, don't do it.
Forreal, this time, I leave you with a verse the Lord gave me last night:
1 John 4:6
"We are of God. He who knows God hears us; he who is not of God does not hear us. By this we know the spirit of truth and the spirit of error."
Love Prevails,
Angie
The biggest change is that I have been not talking to Patrick since my breakdown. I didn't tell him for about 3 days that I was ignoring him but, after talking with people, I decided to tell him that I can't bring myself to talk to him because it really isn't something I can handle. He was respectful of that but is a little confused about BYAL and such, and honestly, that is the least of my worries for right now. BYAL has been at a standstill since before we broke up, so this not talking thing won't really make anything better or worse. He also doesn't understand how it's okay for me to not talk to him but it wasn't okay for him. My response that is that I am not doing extreme measures but right now, this blog post is more about me and less about him.
Thursday and Friday night were really tough. I broke down on Thursday night to a friend because of how intense it was getting for me. Also, this is just very hard for me to handle. Not being able to have an actual conversation for a guy that I trusted for at least two years of my life. And basically, telling myself that I can't talk to him is a rule and I don't like rules and I want to break it but, I understand that I have to do this for me. I have to become an independent person of Patrick. And I want to explain this to him but, again, here I go talking about him.
I will not promise that I won't talk about Patrick is all my blog posts; but I will say that this whole thing is a big part of my life and I wish it wasn't. I want to just shut up about all of this and just move on but everyone keeps saying it's normal to feel like this.
It's really making me a crazy person. Everyday it's up and down. And I know I just have to keep talking about it. And I know I have to stick to my guns if I want to get better and heal.
Something that has been helping me a little bit is this forum on enotalone.com and there is thread that allows people to write to someone they dated or whatever. And it has helped twice. Thanks Oriana for that!
I guess to conclude this, moving on is super hard and I know I'm hard headed (I've known this for years thanks to my friends) but, I have to do something about it. And, with a clear head, I know that I can't give into temptation. And I know that none of this is God's fault. And I know that it isn't mine or Patrick's fault. It's just something that has to be dealt with. And I know that I know I have to do three things:
1. Not talk to Patrick until I am ready. 100% ready. And that may be a while and I have to follow through with this. I can't heal if I keep opening scares.
2. Talk to people. I have a habit of shutting down and I can't do that, I have friends that want to hear me and I have to believe that. And more importantly, I have a God that wants to listen all the time.
3. Do not start another relationship. Dear Lord, don't do it.
Forreal, this time, I leave you with a verse the Lord gave me last night:
1 John 4:6
"We are of God. He who knows God hears us; he who is not of God does not hear us. By this we know the spirit of truth and the spirit of error."
Love Prevails,
Angie
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Thoughts.
I'm raging right now.
I....I don't know how to say it but I miss the little things with Patrick. He just referred to his now girlfriend as "My Lady".
THAT IS MY NAME.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?
I understand he can do whatever he wants in his relationship but...that shit bugs me. I miss him like crazy. I am suppressing caring about him. He still cares and loves me as a person. Well, I want him to stop that. Just stop that. Stop caring about me. I don't want someone who won't love me to care about me. He knows I have a problem with being cared about.
He. Knows.
I hate this. I don't want to date him again. But I want to touch him. Is that possible? No. Not while he's dating Alyy. I don't know if it's true, but honestly, this is just a rebound. He wasn't happy with me but he won't learn to live without anyone because he needs to feel secure in that relationship.
At least I'm trying to learn. I want to care without caring. He doesn't understand that. He cares about me because that is what he does. But...I don't want him to care because I am independent and I don't need him to give me his approval.
I just want to scream in his face. But, I can't do that. I already said everything I've wanted to say tonight. We had a long conversation tonight. And it ended with both of not knowing and hating the situation we are in. I have no idea what his thoughts are, but mine are is that I don't want to grieve and that he brings out the grieving in me, I guess.
I think that's it. I feel like I should apologize but imma wait for him to talk to me.
-Angie
I....I don't know how to say it but I miss the little things with Patrick. He just referred to his now girlfriend as "My Lady".
THAT IS MY NAME.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?
I understand he can do whatever he wants in his relationship but...that shit bugs me. I miss him like crazy. I am suppressing caring about him. He still cares and loves me as a person. Well, I want him to stop that. Just stop that. Stop caring about me. I don't want someone who won't love me to care about me. He knows I have a problem with being cared about.
He. Knows.
I hate this. I don't want to date him again. But I want to touch him. Is that possible? No. Not while he's dating Alyy. I don't know if it's true, but honestly, this is just a rebound. He wasn't happy with me but he won't learn to live without anyone because he needs to feel secure in that relationship.
At least I'm trying to learn. I want to care without caring. He doesn't understand that. He cares about me because that is what he does. But...I don't want him to care because I am independent and I don't need him to give me his approval.
I just want to scream in his face. But, I can't do that. I already said everything I've wanted to say tonight. We had a long conversation tonight. And it ended with both of not knowing and hating the situation we are in. I have no idea what his thoughts are, but mine are is that I don't want to grieve and that he brings out the grieving in me, I guess.
I think that's it. I feel like I should apologize but imma wait for him to talk to me.
-Angie
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