I feel kind of bad that I haven't updated since Sunday, mostly because a lot of things have happened since Sunday.
The biggest change is that I have been not talking to Patrick since my breakdown. I didn't tell him for about 3 days that I was ignoring him but, after talking with people, I decided to tell him that I can't bring myself to talk to him because it really isn't something I can handle. He was respectful of that but is a little confused about BYAL and such, and honestly, that is the least of my worries for right now. BYAL has been at a standstill since before we broke up, so this not talking thing won't really make anything better or worse. He also doesn't understand how it's okay for me to not talk to him but it wasn't okay for him. My response that is that I am not doing extreme measures but right now, this blog post is more about me and less about him.
Thursday and Friday night were really tough. I broke down on Thursday night to a friend because of how intense it was getting for me. Also, this is just very hard for me to handle. Not being able to have an actual conversation for a guy that I trusted for at least two years of my life. And basically, telling myself that I can't talk to him is a rule and I don't like rules and I want to break it but, I understand that I have to do this for me. I have to become an independent person of Patrick. And I want to explain this to him but, again, here I go talking about him.
I will not promise that I won't talk about Patrick is all my blog posts; but I will say that this whole thing is a big part of my life and I wish it wasn't. I want to just shut up about all of this and just move on but everyone keeps saying it's normal to feel like this.
It's really making me a crazy person. Everyday it's up and down. And I know I just have to keep talking about it. And I know I have to stick to my guns if I want to get better and heal.
Something that has been helping me a little bit is this forum on enotalone.com and there is thread that allows people to write to someone they dated or whatever. And it has helped twice. Thanks Oriana for that!
I guess to conclude this, moving on is super hard and I know I'm hard headed (I've known this for years thanks to my friends) but, I have to do something about it. And, with a clear head, I know that I can't give into temptation. And I know that none of this is God's fault. And I know that it isn't mine or Patrick's fault. It's just something that has to be dealt with. And I know that I know I have to do three things:
1. Not talk to Patrick until I am ready. 100% ready. And that may be a while and I have to follow through with this. I can't heal if I keep opening scares.
2. Talk to people. I have a habit of shutting down and I can't do that, I have friends that want to hear me and I have to believe that. And more importantly, I have a God that wants to listen all the time.
3. Do not start another relationship. Dear Lord, don't do it.
Forreal, this time, I leave you with a verse the Lord gave me last night:
1 John 4:6
"We are of God. He who knows God hears us; he who is not of God does not hear us. By this we know the spirit of truth and the spirit of error."