Sunday, April 29, 2012


I'm raging right now.

I....I don't know how to say it but I miss the little things with Patrick. He just referred to his now girlfriend as "My Lady".


I understand he can do whatever he wants in his relationship but...that shit bugs me. I miss him like crazy. I am suppressing caring about him. He still cares and loves me as a person. Well, I want him to stop that. Just stop that. Stop caring about me. I don't want someone who won't love me to care about me. He knows I have a problem with being cared about.

He. Knows.

I  hate this. I don't want to date him again. But I want to touch him. Is that possible? No. Not while he's dating Alyy. I don't know if it's true, but honestly, this is just a rebound. He wasn't happy with me but he won't learn to live without anyone because he needs to feel secure in that relationship.

At least I'm trying to learn. I want to care without caring. He doesn't understand that. He cares about me because that is what he does. But...I don't want him to care because I am independent and I don't need him to give me his approval.

I just want to scream in his face. But, I can't do that. I already said everything I've wanted to say tonight. We had a long conversation tonight. And it ended with both of not knowing and hating the situation we are in. I have no idea what his thoughts are, but mine are is that I don't want to grieve and that he brings out the grieving in me, I guess.

I think that's it. I feel like I should apologize but imma wait for him to talk to me.


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