Monday, July 30, 2012

Rejection is the easiest way to humble a person.

So, you know that moment you should have listened to God but instead you don't and everything goes to the shits? Mhm, that happened this weekend.

I am not going to get tell my entire store here but I will say that I learned a whole lot and I learned that this whole detox thing is going to start all over again. It's kind of of like when you quit smoking, at least for me: You stop and you feel really great after feeling like crap for a long time and then temptation comes and you say "I'll only do it once, I'll be fine." and then you smoke all weekend and you feel like crap afterwards. Yea, that's basically how I feel.

I learned that I am still not ready for a relationship and that my natural "sex drive" is still ever so present. I use it for bad reasons this weekend to get what I wanted and that's what I'm really kicking myself for now. I ended up hurting myself a whole lot and I hurt the guy because his feelings are confusing towards me which I don't even understand, I'm not convinced he even understands. I also can't date because I like the freedom I have and I like the independence I have with a lot of stuff. I'm not in a position to be give my heart up and I really don't think it's a good idea.

I learned that my heart is bigger than my head. I care about this guy a whole lot and for some reason I only learned this AFTER messing everything up. I don't care about him enough to put effort into being a girlfriend (even though we've both clearly stated we don't want that) but I want this friendship. I showed in it in a dumb way and my mind was focused on one thing. The guy cares for me too, that changed really quickly this weekend and that confuses me even more and kind of says something about me: If I'm not getting what I want, I'm not happy even if the thing I don't want is the better decision AND I know that.

I learned that I can do better and be better. Why did it take me until yesterday to realize that EVERY TIME  I am alone with this guy, I end up crying? I realized it on Friday's confusing and I think I will talk about that in another post. I told the guy that he can do better than me and I think he understands, I don't know. I think I've learned that trusting this guy is either gonna be hard or not going to happen.

If you know who I am talking about, good for you. I'm sure if you are reading this and you tell the guy what I said, I honestly don't care. Everything I just wrote, he already knows and has been expressed.

That's about it.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

It's frustrating that I'm forced to pick my career at 19

So, we all know that I'm a social work major but it's a little confusing as to what exactly what I want to do .

I don't even know what I want to do.

Seeing The Dark Knight Rises last night got me thinking about how neat it would be to be a detective. I've secretly always been interested in it because of Psych, The First 48, and this CSI game I am playing on Facebook. Now, I do understand that there is HUGE difference between scripted movies and shows and real life, I don't want you aka the readers of this blog, to think that I don't get that BUT I still think being a detective would be pretty cool.

I'm really into logic. That doesn't make sense but I like to think about why things happen and I like to investigate things. I know my explanation doesn't make a lot of sense but, I dunno it is something I secretly (now not so secretly) really enjoy.

The problem with all of this is that I don't know a dang thing about criminal justice and I don't like change and the idea of not being a social work major is strange. And then I'm nervous that I'd change my major and it'd be on a whim and it'd be a bad idea and so many other thoughts. . . .

I just don't know what I want to do. It's irritating that I have to pick my life right now and it feels like it's frowned upon  to change my major so far into my major (even though I'm really not). Also, I do wanna work with kids but I don't wanna be a teacher and it's just so irritating.

To conclude, I have no idea what I want but I'd love some prayer and guidance and a blizzard.

Love Prevails,

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

I wonder how many times I'll hear "I told you so"

I'm pretty much preparing to hear "I told you would enjoy yourself, Angie!". Well screw you too ;)

I'm talking about how everyone knew that I would actually really enjoy myself at the Joni and Friends Family Retreat but I think I enjoyed myself for a lot of other reasons outside of serving people and that's what I would like to talk about in this blog post.

My experience with JAF was unique. I mean, duh, everyone went for unique reasons and things that happened to everyone person was unique but, I must say, my experience was very Angie-like if that makes any sense.

I can't really get into much detail about the beginning of the week because of the legality of things but basically, God had a plan for me to get hurt and get some battle bruises which, to me, kind of proved that I am fighter and that I would much rather get some bruises than someone get seriously injured. I really think that surprised everyone, like, I was upset that I was hurt but I wanted to go back into the war zone if I had some control over the situation. Honestly, just so everyone is on the same page, I am not upset that I got hurt and I am not upset at the person that hurt me, I was upset that I didn't know more going into the situation. I'm also upset at the lack of communication but, that's whatever, it's over now.

^And that was Wednesday.

Thursday comes about and damage control needed to happen and again God worked in all the leaders and I was assigned to work with Deb, a older woman who was the assistant craft leader who has a disease that has made her retina weaker (something about degenerating). My job for the week was to assist Deb aka Minion (I was dubbed Mintoo) in little kid crafts and in telling her what was on the food line because she is not able to see the different types of food but knows what she likes. Working with Deb was better than I could have imagined. We're both fiesty, sassy, but we also have our sensitive sides. A lot of people asked if we were related but I promise, we are not related :)

Not being an STM to an actual camper was actually super neat because I got more freedom in a way and I got to get to know a lot more of the campers. Then again, I don't have any "close" relationship with any of the campers but I did get really close with three STM's that were all sisters.

Moving away from what things were happening on the outside, lots of stuff were going on inside of me and that's the most important thing I can stress: I went there one person and I came back another person.

For the first couple days I feel this detached feeling and it was actually really irritating but I covered it up with being aggressive and pretty rude to people. I can't exactly put my finger on it but a lot of it was fear and not wanting to change how I did things and I didn't want to just focus on the happy aspect (I still don't). I understand that it's a place meant to be happy but that doesn't mean that the negative things shouldn't be addressed also like with other STM's (which I will admit happened. But not against anyone in particular, just needing to talk).

So, on Thursday morning during butt-o-clock devotion, I admitted to my group that I've been feeling this hardness in my heart and that I would really like some prayer. I also vowed to myself that that day I wasn't going to complain about anything and just enjoy it (you'll be happy to hear that I only complained once that day) and God did SO MUCH to me in that day. Like, it was freaking amazing. I let myself feel and experience. I interacted with more people and I am so thankful I did.

To conclude, I haven't completely conquered my fear of disabled people but JAF really put it in perspective. I would like to personally thank everyone that donated money to me: Momma Stauffer, my dad, Tori Banks, Lauren Rumford, Wendi Voorheis, Chris Klimola, Darcy Pugsely Gene and Myra Dennis, Random guy at B-24's and most importantly Cross and Resurrection  Lutheran Church for matching my funds.

And I would also like to thank everyone that I met at the family retreat. All of you helped me so much last week and I enjoyed getting to know you. I will always remember all of you and I am excited to stay in contact with you all :)

Love Prevails,

Sunday, July 1, 2012

I love me some ebony and ivory.

Right now, I'm super bored thus, blogging seems like the next best thing to be doing.

I guess what I can talk about is how musical I'm getting again.

I use to be in band, literally did it for 12 years of my life. I am a percussionist through and through but I dabbled in playing my friends' trumpet, violin, horn, and I think every band instrument. I really miss band. It really made me the person I am today ( I say that about a lot of stuff) but really, it did.

What I use to do is make up random songs on the piano and it was a way for me to release emotions. It was never super great but there was one time I came up with a really good little melody but I have now forgotten it.

So, I kind of just stopped playing piano. College started and I didn't have time. Dating kind of made it hard to do anything, which was my fault not Patrick's. I never really thought about getting involved with playing until maybe a week ago. Patrick being Patrick, knowing me far too well, encouraged me to get a hobby so that I could start doing things for me when we broke up. Not in an asshole way but in a caring way. The whole thing kind of got set out of my mind with trying to focus on moving on, God, and just getting my life back on the correct plate. But, this whole week I was feeling this desire to play the piano and sing.

So, I have been. I've actually been singing more than playing piano but I remembered that I still kind of suck at playing properly. I always play the same dang thing. As for singing, I've become accustomed to taking my dog for a walk, blasting my iPod and screaming lyrics. If you live in my neighborhood, sorry I sing so loud. . . but really, it's been a great way to just sing again.

I think that's it.....I may update later on tonight, depending on what's going on.