Sunday, April 29, 2012


I'm raging right now.

I....I don't know how to say it but I miss the little things with Patrick. He just referred to his now girlfriend as "My Lady".


I understand he can do whatever he wants in his relationship but...that shit bugs me. I miss him like crazy. I am suppressing caring about him. He still cares and loves me as a person. Well, I want him to stop that. Just stop that. Stop caring about me. I don't want someone who won't love me to care about me. He knows I have a problem with being cared about.

He. Knows.

I  hate this. I don't want to date him again. But I want to touch him. Is that possible? No. Not while he's dating Alyy. I don't know if it's true, but honestly, this is just a rebound. He wasn't happy with me but he won't learn to live without anyone because he needs to feel secure in that relationship.

At least I'm trying to learn. I want to care without caring. He doesn't understand that. He cares about me because that is what he does. But...I don't want him to care because I am independent and I don't need him to give me his approval.

I just want to scream in his face. But, I can't do that. I already said everything I've wanted to say tonight. We had a long conversation tonight. And it ended with both of not knowing and hating the situation we are in. I have no idea what his thoughts are, but mine are is that I don't want to grieve and that he brings out the grieving in me, I guess.

I think that's it. I feel like I should apologize but imma wait for him to talk to me.


Wednesday, April 25, 2012

What hasn't killed me is making me stronger. (At least I pray to God it will.)

I don't even want to talk about how I'm feeling right now. But, I know that it's good and I know that is why this blog is here: As a way for me to figure my life out in my corner of the internet.

I said in my last post that Patrick and I are talking ,which we are, but I feel there are boundaries to this talking. Maybe I made them up or maybe they imaginary social cues.

Basically, I am avoiding Patrick. Not because I'm really pissed at him or anything but because I know that if I talk to him about everything, every time I feel this, because then I will never get over it. And I'm making it hard on me because we're friends on Facebook, chattable on Gmail, and I have his phone number. We've been talking daily since Saturday and it's been pretty okay. But, I know that if I continue this way, I'll fall for that controlling feeling all over again. And then there's the comfort. I feel so comfortable talking to him and just knowing he's there.

But, again, that's being too dependent on Patrick and not on God.

I'm not sure if this God tempting me or Satan. I think it's God. I asked God to tempt my flesh and I know He's doing this. I know that if I give in, I'll fail this test. I don't take failure too kindly, just as a warning.

I have another theory: God was protecting me a lot when all of this started happening .The breakup. Not talking. But now, He's letting me go, get comfortable and testing me. Or maybe God isn't happy with me. I'm not sure how God feels about me right now. . . I know He loves me but what is He thinking? I have not a clue.

I'm also learning that Patrick was right about a lot of stuff. Not in a Patrick isn't actually right-right kind of way but in a Patrick knows what is the best for me; and that is to talk to people about how I'm feeling. It's helping a lot. I'm talking to 2 people about what I'm experiencing and it's making me think clearly.

He's offline now. I survived! it has to get better from here. Thank you to Oriana and Elise :)

Love will always and forever prevail,

When God says something 3 times, it's time to listen up.

So, I've kind of been wanting to be apart of Silver Ring Thing on and off for about a year. They rejected me last year which is fine, they had enough girls. And I kind of ignored it until maybe 3 months ago when I emailed someone asking about my application; I didn't get any sort of response.

Today, I decided to call and ask again about my application. I talked to someone, Missy, and she said she would look at my application again and give me a call back.

After waiting 20 mins, I didn't get a call back but instead an email saying that I don't have enough experience in speaking, acting, multi-media, and organizational skills.

I do not understand how they know about my organizational skills. 

Basically, I'm a little upset that she couldn't call me back and that we couldn't talk. That's just something that really irritates me: Being told someone will call but doesn't. Like, I don't know, the best analogy I can think of is being told by a boyfriend they are going to call you but then they break up with you over email. That's kind of feel just with a lot more disrespect. If you're going to reject me, let's at least talk about it. I think that's just how I am. I don't like rejection, it's a big thing in my life because of a lot of things and I think it has to do with me not thinking it's actually happening, if that makes any sense.

On the other hand, God has now said 3 times He doesn't feel me doing SRT is in the works for me. And we all know that when God says something three times, He really means it. Part of me thinks that it may be because I know I wouldn't be the best person for other teens to look up to and I don't really have a "success" story anymore; I did, but I'm in the middle of a success story.

God has a plan for me. I just know it. I'm so confident in that. And you know, if that is what gets me through this summer, then that's going to be awesome.

^Not sure why I wrote that, but I did.

Love will always prevail,

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Less judging and more loving? Gettin' it.

I don't know why it is but simple minded people really frustrate me. I have a couple of ideas like simple minded people are immature, aren't able to have a meaningful conversation, and they act like children.

The reason why this is something that is bothering me is because I am kind of apart of this group in college where the leaders are childish. And ya, that's really the best way I can describe both the leaders. Now, I know I'll get backlash for calling people out on the internet and not talking to them to their face and everything else, but I'm doing this this way because I want to know how I should handle this.

This bothers me because they are leaders. I really cannot look up to these people because of how similar they are to me (if that makes any sense) and I don't like feeling I have to be the adult for the group. And also, I think that it just distracting for the other people in the group.

Another example of this is my friends' mom and dad. Again, just childish, not able to have a meaningful conversation, and the like; and it's really hard for me to respect them. On the other hand, I haven't interacted with them in quite a while. 

And I'm trying to figure out where it comes from geographically but I really don't think that's fair. Then I think about ADD/ADHD but again, that doesn't seem very good either. 

I think this is one of those situations where God doesn't want me to understand. And as Patrick just told me "I think you're judging more than loving" which makes sense. 

Speaking of Patrick, ya, we are talking. And it's going okay. We've had two deepish talks and now we're just talking a little bit about random things. I'm attempting to not go to him for everything which has been a little hard but it's been working. 

Do I want him back? No. I really don't. I can't handle it and that's not a place I want to be. But I miss the physical and that is what my blog a couple of weeks ago is about. I won't get into that right now but, ya, we're working on being friends, which is really good. 

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

This is more a Tumblr update than a blog update......

I really really really really really really really really want to talk to Patrick.

I had to get that out of my system.
(Holy moly)

I don't know if we are still not talking but I do know that the urgency to talk to him is there on my end, I have no idea about him. I keep thinking it's because I'm stressed about exams and he is really the only one I would go to when I was stressed, and so now, I'm just like "I'm super stressed....who cares enough to talk to me about it." BUT I have to pull my pants up and just talk to people. . . and that is what I'm finding hard because of how comfortable I am talking to Patrick about things. And because I feel like I did when Patrick would make me talk to other people about my life: Scared, nervous, afraid, self conscious, and a lot of other stuff. That's one thing I would like prayer for.

For now, I'm going to continue to not talk to him. I've considered talking to him on Sunday if it permits and I've been praying about it too and I've been feeling this sense of peace about that, so hopefully I remember to.

Also, with these thoughts, those stupid desires come back. Another reason to not talk to him .
Oh, and Glee is NOT helping those desires.

That is it,

Monday, April 16, 2012

Here's to you Mission Christ.

Driving home tonight, I got thinking about having to grow up and how I'm so thankful for how it happened because of an awesome group I like to call Family (aka Mission Christ).

By going to Mission Christ, I put myself in a position where I was one of the youngest attending, a girl, and not going at all for the right reasons. I went for my friend and then a boy. Not until maybe 3 or so months in, did I start going for Jesus . . . and the boy.

Because of Mission Christ, I learned my building blocks of following Jesus from whether or not I could hear ghosts (thanks Beth) to visibly seeing more than enough people under spiritual warfare and being thrown into the situation to help "diffuse" it. (thanks everyone). The most important thing that I learned in my first of going to Mission, was the importance of worship and how worship frees a persons spirit from the flesh. With that, worship is still something that I rely heavily on for getting comfy with talking to God before all the deep stuff starts.

But, there is so much more to Mission Christ than the Jesus aspect; we've played games, stayed up late talking and giving massages on retreats, putting holes in walls that didn't necessarily need holes, milk gallon challenges (GO CAHILL) and so many other things that happened before my time as an Mission Christ-er. And that is what made Mission so wonderful for me, I didn't feel thrown into the whole church thing but I felt accepted for my lack of knowledge and urgency to learn.

Now, 4 years later, a lot of things have changed: I'm too old for Mission. I actually have to search out something new. I have to search for a new Mission. And that has been challenging because I compare opportunities to Mission. Is this good? I don't know. I know what I like and I know that my "likes" and "dislikes" come from my experiences with Mission but, learning to move on and seek out something different is a struggle. What about my Mission friends? Ya, they're still there. With my 'generation' of Mission, we're all in college now and working and doing other things but ya, we see each other ever so often.

But, when God closes a door, it's best to accept it. And we all have for the most part. Sometimes, when a select few of my generation Mission friends get together, we travel down memory lane but that does nothing but makes us yearn for the past, a past we will honestly never get back.

So, here's to you Mission Christ. Thank you for making and molding me into the woman I am tonight, sitting here at my computer at almost 11pm as a Freshman in college. Thank you for the memories and thank you for making my standards for a youth group so high. Thank you for not being a cliche youth group, but rather, a family to me and so many others.

I should stop writing before I break down in tears.
But I will say this, if you are a high schooler that is reading this and this Mission thing sounds really interesting, let me know, I can hook you up.

Ahavah Nitzeach

(That's Hebrew for "Love Prevails") 

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Angie + Desires = A very irritated and confused Angie.

I'm in a really strange spot right now and I'm not totally sure how to describe it but I will try my best to:

I have been very up and down as it relates to how I feel about guys. One second I'm thinking "That guy is really cute!" and I'll flirt with him (that's what happened with a guy last night), the next hour I get really deep and think "I don't need a guy right now and I shouldn't be falling for old tricks that I play on myself, but then the next day, I just feel this desire to be with a guy, not even in a relationship but just to feel like a guy likes me.

Currently, I want to go on a date and feel pretty and get to know a guy. I don't want a relationship but I want everything else, but not completely; because I like labels and I've already done a no-label relationship thing and it really does not do good things on me. And I really don't know what to call this feeling. Normally, I would call myself a slut and then I would act on this slutty-ness but I know that is the opposite of what I should be doing....

...but this desire is so strong. But what would acting out on it get me? A couple hours of fake bliss? It's just so irritating. My lips want to be touched, my hands want to be held, and my waist wants to have an arm around it.

I know everyone's first response to would be to pray and I have been. And last night it helped a little bit. The second response would be to say 'This is still your grieving period.' and I think the last response would be 'Just go out and have fun and see what happens.'
^ This is why I can't make my own decisions, everyone. 

On top of all of this, I straight up miss cuddling. Just thought I'd point that one out.

So, that's kind of where I am at now with my life. I've seen a couple of really cute guys. I actually hugged this really cute guy at work last night and that was really neat. That's kind of what started everything with these thoughts; I guess I'll have to go back to no contact at all with the opposite sex....

That's all,

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

My Response to Awesome God Time

Here is a picture with me with a YUMMY YOGURT PARFAIT. 
I just got back from a driving prayer time with God and I must say, it was the first time I actually heard-felt God in a super long time. It was one of those "You had to be there" Holy Spirit moments that I can't describe to you. . . Not even with the Hebrew that I am learning.

This whole thing started because I was hanging out at work and I started seeing things via my ex about him getting a new job and his current girlfriend writing on his wall. And this feeling of....desire to be apart of that life came over me for about 10 minutes; jealously overcame my system. I proceeded to tell my co-workers that Patrick has a job, in which one of them replied "Why do you still talk about that guy stiff?" which brought up a very valid point. . .

So, I leave work and I begin to pray and ask God. I honestly don't remember exactly what I said but the Lord gave me this feeling to listen to Casting Crowns, in particular What If His People Prayed and it got me thinking about a lot of things about prayer (duh.) and I really think it was God thanking me for coming to Him praying. I know that sounds selfish . . but I really think that is what God was saying.

The second song to come on was If We Are the Body. Now, if you are following Because You Are Loved, you should know that this is our theme song. But tonight, this song really struck a chord because it got me thinking about how EVERYONE who is born is able to be in the Kingdom of God because 

Jesus paid much too high a price
For us to pick and choose who should come
And we are the body of Christ.

That's all I wanted to say, anything else I would be talking out of my butt....but maybe take this as a reminder to pray and see what God wants to say to you. 


Sunday, April 8, 2012

Tell Me Now Where Was My Fault, In Loving You With My Whole Heart?

Song: Blank White Page 
Band: Mumford and Sons 

Can you lie next to her 
and give her your heart, your heart?
As well as your body
And can you lie next to her 
and confess your love, your love?
As well as your folly
And can you kneel before this king 
and say "I’m clean", "I’m Clean"?

But tell me now where was my fault, 
in loving you with my whole heart?
Oh, tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?

Her white blank page 
and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think when you sent me to the brink, to the brink
You desired my attention, but denied my affections, my affections

So tell me now where was my fault, 
in loving you with my whole heart?
Oh, tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?

Ahhhh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahhh ahhhhhh [x4]

Lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life
oh lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life

Ahhhh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahhh ahhhhhh [x4]

This is how I've been feeling concerning Patrick but not 100%, I'd say like 25%. 

I want to just scream this song in his face but that'd be counter productive. 

Just, this is how I'm feeling. Take it with what ever you want. 

Monday, April 2, 2012

Some people want a new car, I just want to go to the club.

First off, holy moly! Thank you to all of you who read my first blog, I really was not expecting that, so, thank you  :) Knowing people read what I write gives me confidence to write more and more.

Remember how I learned about balance in the last post? I am also learning about intentions. I think I learn better with one word concepts because it sticks better in my head (because you see, my mind is jumbled with so many important things).

The best example of this comes to me going to a club and dancing like a fool.
I really want to go to a club and be reckless. But a controlled reckless.
I want to be able to have a good time without being date raped.

My thought process is this: Okay, so going to a club is something people my age do but it's bad. Why is it bad? I have no idea, self. Okay, well, what does God think about going to the club? I have no idea. *Then insert my just getting angry and confused*

I talked it over with a fried of mine and he said to me this:
"Going to the club is okay if you have the right intentions (HEY LOOK IT'S AN IMPORTANT WORD). If you go intending to get drunk and have sex with a random guy, then maybe you should just say stay home. But, if you go with the intention to have fun with friends and maybe dance with a guy, then it's okay."

With this new nugget of knowledge, I talked it over with my pastor. With him I brought up the type of clothing that is worn to the club, in which we talked about modesty and again intentions. I forgot exactly everything he said in essence he said that if I were to go dressing immodest and having bad intentions, I'm just asking for it. But, keeping in mind that guys react to certain types of dress is important and I have to respect that by having the right intentions in what I wear.

Thus, my decision is that I do plan to go to the club with friends of the lady variety and dance like a fool. But have intentions in how I act and what I wear. <---I'm sure I'm forgetting something things on that list.

This new concept of intentions, I do pray, will be something I use for many other things in my life such as traveling, getting married (I will talk about this later), where to live, and a lot of other life choices that I know will be coming up.

Thanks for taking the time to read my life.
-Angie <3

If you're wondering, yes, the outfit I bought for the club is super cute and the girls at Plato's Closet approved :)