So, you know that moment you should have listened to God but instead you don't and everything goes to the shits? Mhm, that happened this weekend.
I am not going to get tell my entire store here but I will say that I learned a whole lot and I learned that this whole detox thing is going to start all over again. It's kind of of like when you quit smoking, at least for me: You stop and you feel really great after feeling like crap for a long time and then temptation comes and you say "I'll only do it once, I'll be fine." and then you smoke all weekend and you feel like crap afterwards. Yea, that's basically how I feel.
I learned that I am still not ready for a relationship and that my natural "sex drive" is still ever so present. I use it for bad reasons this weekend to get what I wanted and that's what I'm really kicking myself for now. I ended up hurting myself a whole lot and I hurt the guy because his feelings are confusing towards me which I don't even understand, I'm not convinced he even understands. I also can't date because I like the freedom I have and I like the independence I have with a lot of stuff. I'm not in a position to be give my heart up and I really don't think it's a good idea.
I learned that my heart is bigger than my head. I care about this guy a whole lot and for some reason I only learned this AFTER messing everything up. I don't care about him enough to put effort into being a girlfriend (even though we've both clearly stated we don't want that) but I want this friendship. I showed in it in a dumb way and my mind was focused on one thing. The guy cares for me too, that changed really quickly this weekend and that confuses me even more and kind of says something about me: If I'm not getting what I want, I'm not happy even if the thing I don't want is the better decision AND I know that.
I learned that I can do better and be better. Why did it take me until yesterday to realize that EVERY TIME I am alone with this guy, I end up crying? I realized it on Friday but....it's confusing and I think I will talk about that in another post. I told the guy that he can do better than me and I think he understands, I don't know. I think I've learned that trusting this guy is either gonna be hard or not going to happen.
If you know who I am talking about, good for you. I'm sure if you are reading this and you tell the guy what I said, I honestly don't care. Everything I just wrote, he already knows and has been expressed.
That's about it.