Rejection is the easiest way to humble a person.

So, you know that moment you should have listened to God but instead you don't and everything goes to the shits? Mhm, that happened this weekend.

I am not going to get tell my entire store here but I will say that I learned a whole lot and I learned that this whole detox thing is going to start all over again. It's kind of of like when you quit smoking, at least for me: You stop and you feel really great after feeling like crap for a long time and then temptation comes and you say "I'll only do it once, I'll be fine." and then you smoke all weekend and you feel like crap afterwards. Yea, that's basically how I feel.

I learned that I am still not ready for a relationship and that my natural "sex drive" is still ever so present. I use it for bad reasons this weekend to get what I wanted and that's what I'm really kicking myself for now. I ended up hurting myself a whole lot and I hurt the guy because his feelings are confusing towards me which I don't even understand, I'm not convinced he even understands. I also can't date because I like the freedom I have and I like the independence I have with a lot of stuff. I'm not in a position to be give my heart up and I really don't think it's a good idea.

I learned that my heart is bigger than my head. I care about this guy a whole lot and for some reason I only learned this AFTER messing everything up. I don't care about him enough to put effort into being a girlfriend (even though we've both clearly stated we don't want that) but I want this friendship. I showed in it in a dumb way and my mind was focused on one thing. The guy cares for me too, that changed really quickly this weekend and that confuses me even more and kind of says something about me: If I'm not getting what I want, I'm not happy even if the thing I don't want is the better decision AND I know that.

I learned that I can do better and be better. Why did it take me until yesterday to realize that EVERY TIME  I am alone with this guy, I end up crying? I realized it on Friday but....it's confusing and I think I will talk about that in another post. I told the guy that he can do better than me and I think he understands, I don't know. I think I've learned that trusting this guy is either gonna be hard or not going to happen.

If you know who I am talking about, good for you. I'm sure if you are reading this and you tell the guy what I said, I honestly don't care. Everything I just wrote, he already knows and has been expressed.

That's about it.
-Angie

No way, can I be what I'm not!

Here's a fun fact: I absolutely love musicals. I think it comes from loving The Lion King (yes, it's a musical.). But, second to that, I'd have to say that RENT is my favorite.

With that, I'm listening to Take Me or Leave Me, which got me thinking about how I am and kind of a renewed confidence that being outspoken and "demanding" independence is okay. Demanding sounds really bad.....I guess a better way of saying it would be to say proclaiming independence. Now, I've never been like Maureen where I've had both sexes calling for my attention but I do have a lot of experience in people wanting to accept small parts of me but not the whole package. 

Ever since I was young, I've known I was the black sheep in my family. I just did things differently. I was a tom boy, had darker hair than my cousins, I had a 'boy-ish" figure, was more outspoken, and just a lot of stuff. For the longest, I would force myself to be "normal" around my family and then feel really uncomfortable. Overall, it was something I put myself through to fit in and to make my family of all people love me for someone I wasn't. 

Now, I am being myself around my family but in a comfortable controlled way and it feels great. I'm learning that just because I am not like my cousins, I am still loved and accepted. I'm also learning that everyone, family or not, have their nitches. Mine is Jesus, as it relates to my family. I'm the "religious" one, which is scary but I have trust in God to help me with that. 

To tie this with the song, if you want to love me, I demand you take me for all that I am or leave. That sounds really tough but, that's how it is. I don't mean love in a romantic way but in a friend way, a family way, ect. I'm an all or nothing person. I give my all and I don't like rejection. 

I understand that one cannot avoid rejection and that rejection makes a person stronger. I'm living that. I have lived that before. I also understand that not everyone is going to love me but what says I don't have to at least try. You can't be accepted if you never try to be. 

To conclude, I have some wise words for you, the reader: 

1. Never ever let someone hold you back from being yourself, just hold yourself back in the appropriate times. 

2. To the people that are like me in the "Take Me or Leave Me" mentality: Stick with that but don't be afraid to let people in. Trust is huge aspect of this but like I said you can't be accepted if you try to be. 

With that, I encourage you to watch RENT (It's a fabulous musical). Look at how you are around people in every aspect of your life. And lastly, don't be afraid of who you are because if you give a damn, take me baby or leave me. 

Love Prevails, 

Angie