Rejection is the easiest way to humble a person.

So, you know that moment you should have listened to God but instead you don't and everything goes to the shits? Mhm, that happened this weekend.

I am not going to get tell my entire store here but I will say that I learned a whole lot and I learned that this whole detox thing is going to start all over again. It's kind of of like when you quit smoking, at least for me: You stop and you feel really great after feeling like crap for a long time and then temptation comes and you say "I'll only do it once, I'll be fine." and then you smoke all weekend and you feel like crap afterwards. Yea, that's basically how I feel.

I learned that I am still not ready for a relationship and that my natural "sex drive" is still ever so present. I use it for bad reasons this weekend to get what I wanted and that's what I'm really kicking myself for now. I ended up hurting myself a whole lot and I hurt the guy because his feelings are confusing towards me which I don't even understand, I'm not convinced he even understands. I also can't date because I like the freedom I have and I like the independence I have with a lot of stuff. I'm not in a position to be give my heart up and I really don't think it's a good idea.

I learned that my heart is bigger than my head. I care about this guy a whole lot and for some reason I only learned this AFTER messing everything up. I don't care about him enough to put effort into being a girlfriend (even though we've both clearly stated we don't want that) but I want this friendship. I showed in it in a dumb way and my mind was focused on one thing. The guy cares for me too, that changed really quickly this weekend and that confuses me even more and kind of says something about me: If I'm not getting what I want, I'm not happy even if the thing I don't want is the better decision AND I know that.

I learned that I can do better and be better. Why did it take me until yesterday to realize that EVERY TIME  I am alone with this guy, I end up crying? I realized it on Friday but....it's confusing and I think I will talk about that in another post. I told the guy that he can do better than me and I think he understands, I don't know. I think I've learned that trusting this guy is either gonna be hard or not going to happen.

If you know who I am talking about, good for you. I'm sure if you are reading this and you tell the guy what I said, I honestly don't care. Everything I just wrote, he already knows and has been expressed.

That's about it.
-Angie

It's frustrating that I'm forced to pick my career at 19

So, we all know that I'm a social work major but it's a little confusing as to what exactly what I want to do .

I don't even know what I want to do.

Seeing The Dark Knight Rises last night got me thinking about how neat it would be to be a detective. I've secretly always been interested in it because of Psych, The First 48, and this CSI game I am playing on Facebook. Now, I do understand that there is HUGE difference between scripted movies and shows and real life, I don't want you aka the readers of this blog, to think that I don't get that BUT I still think being a detective would be pretty cool.

I'm really into logic. That doesn't make sense but I like to think about why things happen and I like to investigate things. I know my explanation doesn't make a lot of sense but, I dunno it is something I secretly (now not so secretly) really enjoy.

The problem with all of this is that I don't know a dang thing about criminal justice and I don't like change and the idea of not being a social work major is strange. And then I'm nervous that I'd change my major and it'd be on a whim and it'd be a bad idea and so many other thoughts. . . .

I just don't know what I want to do. It's irritating that I have to pick my life right now and it feels like it's frowned upon  to change my major so far into my major (even though I'm really not). Also, I do wanna work with kids but I don't wanna be a teacher and it's just so irritating.

To conclude, I have no idea what I want but I'd love some prayer and guidance and a blizzard.

Love Prevails,
Angie

I wonder how many times I'll hear "I told you so"

I'm pretty much preparing to hear "I told you would enjoy yourself, Angie!". Well screw you too ;)

I'm talking about how everyone knew that I would actually really enjoy myself at the Joni and Friends Family Retreat but I think I enjoyed myself for a lot of other reasons outside of serving people and that's what I would like to talk about in this blog post.

My experience with JAF was unique. I mean, duh, everyone went for unique reasons and things that happened to everyone person was unique but, I must say, my experience was very Angie-like if that makes any sense.

I can't really get into much detail about the beginning of the week because of the legality of things but basically, God had a plan for me to get hurt and get some battle bruises which, to me, kind of proved that I am fighter and that I would much rather get some bruises than someone get seriously injured. I really think that surprised everyone, like, I was upset that I was hurt but I wanted to go back into the war zone if I had some control over the situation. Honestly, just so everyone is on the same page, I am not upset that I got hurt and I am not upset at the person that hurt me, I was upset that I didn't know more going into the situation. I'm also upset at the lack of communication but, that's whatever, it's over now.

^And that was Wednesday.

Thursday comes about and damage control needed to happen and again God worked in all the leaders and I was assigned to work with Deb, a older woman who was the assistant craft leader who has a disease that has made her retina weaker (something about degenerating). My job for the week was to assist Deb aka Minion (I was dubbed Mintoo) in little kid crafts and in telling her what was on the food line because she is not able to see the different types of food but knows what she likes. Working with Deb was better than I could have imagined. We're both fiesty, sassy, but we also have our sensitive sides. A lot of people asked if we were related but I promise, we are not related :)

Not being an STM to an actual camper was actually super neat because I got more freedom in a way and I got to get to know a lot more of the campers. Then again, I don't have any "close" relationship with any of the campers but I did get really close with three STM's that were all sisters.

Moving away from what things were happening on the outside, lots of stuff were going on inside of me and that's the most important thing I can stress: I went there one person and I came back another person.

For the first couple days I feel this detached feeling and it was actually really irritating but I covered it up with being aggressive and pretty rude to people. I can't exactly put my finger on it but a lot of it was fear and not wanting to change how I did things and I didn't want to just focus on the happy aspect (I still don't). I understand that it's a place meant to be happy but that doesn't mean that the negative things shouldn't be addressed also like with other STM's (which I will admit happened. But not against anyone in particular, just needing to talk).

So, on Thursday morning during butt-o-clock devotion, I admitted to my group that I've been feeling this hardness in my heart and that I would really like some prayer. I also vowed to myself that that day I wasn't going to complain about anything and just enjoy it (you'll be happy to hear that I only complained once that day) and God did SO MUCH to me in that day. Like, it was freaking amazing. I let myself feel and experience. I interacted with more people and I am so thankful I did.

To conclude, I haven't completely conquered my fear of disabled people but JAF really put it in perspective. I would like to personally thank everyone that donated money to me: Momma Stauffer, my dad, Tori Banks, Lauren Rumford, Wendi Voorheis, Chris Klimola, Darcy Pugsely Gene and Myra Dennis, Random guy at B-24's and most importantly Cross and Resurrection  Lutheran Church for matching my funds.

And I would also like to thank everyone that I met at the family retreat. All of you helped me so much last week and I enjoyed getting to know you. I will always remember all of you and I am excited to stay in contact with you all :)

Love Prevails,
Angie

I love me some ebony and ivory.

Right now, I'm super bored thus, blogging seems like the next best thing to be doing.

I guess what I can talk about is how musical I'm getting again.

I use to be in band, literally did it for 12 years of my life. I am a percussionist through and through but I dabbled in playing my friends' trumpet, violin, horn, and I think every band instrument. I really miss band. It really made me the person I am today ( I say that about a lot of stuff) but really, it did.

What I use to do is make up random songs on the piano and it was a way for me to release emotions. It was never super great but there was one time I came up with a really good little melody but I have now forgotten it.

So, I kind of just stopped playing piano. College started and I didn't have time. Dating kind of made it hard to do anything, which was my fault not Patrick's. I never really thought about getting involved with playing until maybe a week ago. Patrick being Patrick, knowing me far too well, encouraged me to get a hobby so that I could start doing things for me when we broke up. Not in an asshole way but in a caring way. The whole thing kind of got set out of my mind with trying to focus on moving on, God, and just getting my life back on the correct plate. But, this whole week I was feeling this desire to play the piano and sing.

So, I have been. I've actually been singing more than playing piano but I remembered that I still kind of suck at playing properly. I always play the same dang thing. As for singing, I've become accustomed to taking my dog for a walk, blasting my iPod and screaming lyrics. If you live in my neighborhood, sorry I sing so loud. . . but really, it's been a great way to just sing again.

I think that's it.....I may update later on tonight, depending on what's going on.

-Angie

I am finally getting a vacation.

I just signed up to volunteer at a Family Retreat for a group called Joni and Friends. I was approached about it about two weeks ago but did not really do anything about it. I was nervous to ask my dad about it because a) I don't like approaching my dad about things that I want to do and b) His birthday is the day before I am heading out to do this. I have never missed my dad's birthday and honestly, I feel a little bad that I won't be there. I brought it up and we talked about it and he gave me the go ahead.

I am finally getting the vacation that I've been craving.

A little background to Joni is Friends is that it's a retreat for kids and their families to come and interact with other kids and families with disabilities. The one I am volunteering at is July 4th - July 8th in Tustin, MI. I don't exactly know what I will be doing but I said that I have experiences in music, drama, and something else but I have now forgotten. According to the woman that I going with, I will also be assigned a family. I'm really looking forward to that part of it because with me being interested in being a family therapist.

The thing I am most worried about is that this family retreat cost around $400 to do and I cannot afford it. I am going to talk to my pastor about maybe getting the church to sponsor me since it's a short-term ministry.

With this, I am also going to be a coach for Upward Basketball for the 3rd year now. I really love doing Upward. It's always super stressful for me because of waking up, working on the lesson, and then of course seeming like I understand basketball. But, it's a wonderful week of Jesus and kids.

So, ya, that's what my summer will be looking like. Oh, and working both jobs and making enough money for books and maybe a moped (?). My dad and I talked about it a little bit last night and I really like the idea. I just have to figure out what is more important: books or moped. That's something to be praying about.

Well , I am in still in my pjs and I should get dressed. Y'all stay great and I will be sure to keep updating :)

Also, can I get a hoorah about this NOT involving boys!? THANK YOU.

Love Prevails,
Angie

I've come so far but I've got so far to go.

I haven't updated in a while and I'm sorry about that. I was trying to write a blog post a couple of days ago but it really did not come out right.

I've been pretty alright. This will be my first week officially away from therapy. I should prolly call them and say I won't be coming back for the summer. It's not that I don't like therapy, now it just feels like a chore and I really think I'm "okay". I started going because of the break up but now....I dunno, more things are filling that hole now, which is good but is also very stressful.

I've decided that I know I'm back to my old self for two reasons:
1. I'm being really awkward and funny again. Not to say I wasn't with Patrick, but it just feels better.
2. Holy moly am I obsessed with the male parts of the world.

I want to get into the second one a little bit. I know in my previous post I talked about how being single is great and you learn about yourself, well, I still stand by that 100%. Being single is nice because I am developing myself and doing things for me. But, this doesn't make the desire to be a girlfriend go away. Or just the desire to be liked. I love that feeling.

What I don't like is the pre-dating feelings: it's just so......irritating. I don't want to work for it, I just want it to happen. Sadly, it doesn't work like that, I have to work at it a little bit. But, how much is too much? Oh balance, you and I are going to learn to be best friends.

I've played with the idea of just doing some emotion less stuff but I've tried that, it didn't work. I've tried flirting with not attractive guys but they just friend zone me pretty quick. My mind is just in ultra flirty, I need the sanctification of a guy mode. Which isn't true....I know this. Co dependence has done terrible things to me.

And it's not all the physical either: Yesterday I had a break down because of stressful working things and I for a moment had no idea who I should call (this would be my first non-Patrick break down I have had). But, I took it upon myself to call some lady friends of mine which was helpful. So, I'm learning to depend on my lady friends. But, I just want to open up to someone who doesn't know me. And just unload everything. I know I can't do that, that'd just be....holy moly.

If you're wondering, I'm crushing but it's confusing. I won't get into it but just know...I could use some prayer for that.

Outside of the boy stuff, things are looking up in terms of employment. My primary job is opening up a new place which means more hours but is a little stressful with school and my other job. My other job wasn't giving me correct hours and that was irritating but I think we worked everything out. And lastly, I thought I had a position all lined up for the fall at EMU but it turns out, the woman was a bitch and didn't want to hire me. That's what my break down was about yesterday.

So, we have now learned that Angie pre-Patrick is coming back: obsessed with boys, stressed, but is still able to be funny. Kind of fits me right? But, with that, I'm learning new ways to deal with all of it by having wonderful friends and a grace giving God.

Thank you to all that ready (even those to don't want to admit it). You are great people.

Love Prevails,
Angie

On Being Single: A Brief

Whenever I am in a relationship, I always think about how being single must suck; you don't have anyone to be physical with, you have to go out of your way to find that special someone, and you really aren't able to be complete.

All of those, I have learned, are so very much false. 

What I am learning about being single is that I have a lot that I have to work on and I'm not only talking about my dark side related things, I mean focusing on my career, furthing God's kingdom, and finding my nitch in the world. I understand all of that can be done in a relationship, but honestly, it's a terrible thing to bring to a relationship. 

I am not saying that when two people are dating, they have their entire lives figured out and nothing goes wrong, because they is incorrect: When two people are together and are hoping God wants them to get married, they understand that they will have to sacrifice because of love and that the couple will grow. But, both people separate of each other, if the relationship is healthy, have a life outside of each other; that is something that I am working on. 

There are normal things that I miss about being with someone: I really like being someones girlfriend. It's a huge confidence booster for me, so of course, when I lose that confidence that I depended on for so long, it really throws me for a loop. But wanna know what I'm learning? I have to be dependent on God and do things that give me confidence. It was hard right after the break up and it's still a bit tough to talk about what I like to do, but I'm working on it. I am thinking of things I can do to further my relationship with Jesus and wanting to do more within my church. I am doing all of these things for me. I am also learning that I really am pretty cute, not in a "normal" way but in an Angie way. My smile is really pretty, my eyes change colors sometimes, and my hair is a pretty nice color. As for my body, I'm learning. It's a slow process but I am learning to love myself. 

Another huge thing is the physical. I am a very physically aware person and I love holding hands, hugging, kissing, the whole shot. Not having that right there anytime I want is hard, yes. I will admit that. But, it's teaching me a lot about relationships: Do I want to make this relationship based on the fact that I haven't kissed in a month or on a friendship. I've never had that before: I've never had a super great friendship before dating a guy. And that is a goal that I have for myself but not to become super obsessed with it. I think I should also point out that I haven't gone "cold turkey" per-say: I have great friends that love giving and receiving hugs and hugs are super great. 

Lastly, I am complete is Jesus. I don't want to find self worth in a guy and I shouldn't have to. Another goal I have is to not be ashamed of myself. I know that things I've done and I know the things I do and if a guy who desires to be with me can't see past my faults, I'm not going to waste my time. 

See, that was relatively brief right :)

Thanks for reading and remember: Love Prevails.

-Angie