Wednesday, April 25, 2012

What hasn't killed me is making me stronger. (At least I pray to God it will.)

I don't even want to talk about how I'm feeling right now. But, I know that it's good and I know that is why this blog is here: As a way for me to figure my life out in my corner of the internet.

I said in my last post that Patrick and I are talking ,which we are, but I feel there are boundaries to this talking. Maybe I made them up or maybe they imaginary social cues.

Basically, I am avoiding Patrick. Not because I'm really pissed at him or anything but because I know that if I talk to him about everything, every time I feel this, because then I will never get over it. And I'm making it hard on me because we're friends on Facebook, chattable on Gmail, and I have his phone number. We've been talking daily since Saturday and it's been pretty okay. But, I know that if I continue this way, I'll fall for that controlling feeling all over again. And then there's the comfort. I feel so comfortable talking to him and just knowing he's there.

But, again, that's being too dependent on Patrick and not on God.

I'm not sure if this God tempting me or Satan. I think it's God. I asked God to tempt my flesh and I know He's doing this. I know that if I give in, I'll fail this test. I don't take failure too kindly, just as a warning.

I have another theory: God was protecting me a lot when all of this started happening .The breakup. Not talking. But now, He's letting me go, get comfortable and testing me. Or maybe God isn't happy with me. I'm not sure how God feels about me right now. . . I know He loves me but what is He thinking? I have not a clue.

I'm also learning that Patrick was right about a lot of stuff. Not in a Patrick isn't actually right-right kind of way but in a Patrick knows what is the best for me; and that is to talk to people about how I'm feeling. It's helping a lot. I'm talking to 2 people about what I'm experiencing and it's making me think clearly.

He's offline now. I survived! it has to get better from here. Thank you to Oriana and Elise :)

Love will always and forever prevail,

1 comment:

  1. I know what God thinks: "I'm especially fond of Angie."

    He probably doesn't send tests to you, but he allows things to happen to you and gives you the grace grace grace (Grace's amazing hands, they hold me...) to learn from those things and to grow. If you don't make the right choices, He isn't disappointed, because he knows you'll have lots of time to learn and He's got your back. He's a patient and loving teacher.

    Yay God! Yay Angie!